Stupid things that I do on a regular basis

*Multi-tasking while curling my eyelashes. This is really really really stupid but I can’t stop doing it. For the men, eyelash curlers are those silver contraptions that you’ve seen your wife or girlfriend or ex squeeze her eyelashes in between and thought that she must be insane. Well, they are essential for most of us, insane or not. If we didn’t use them no one would be able to see our lashes. However, it is also essential to stand in one place and not move a muscle while doing it or you could easily jerk your eyelashes out. I know this, and yet, even though it only takes 10 seconds on each side, I habitually find something else that I must do with my other hand, like wipe down the counter, reach for the lotion, take a drink of water. It is a flat out miracle that I still have my eyelashes.

*Talking on the cell phone while driving. Now that I have kids, I am the world’s most psycho-safe driver in all other respects. I drive the speed limit, I try to avoid driving in the dark or the rain. Heck, I won’t even drive my kids on a section of I-71 that is accident-prone—seriously, I take the really really long other way. I check the recall list for my kids’ safety seats at least once per month. I don’t eat or apply mascara while driving. I put on my blinker well before turning. So you would think that I would not talk on the phone while driving, given all of the statistics that it is very, extremely unsafe. I try to dial only at red lights and I do use a Bluetooth; that has to count for something…….. right?

*Giving my kids impossible ultimatums. As in, “If you do that one more time we are not going to visit your Grammy tomorrow.” Of course they do it anyway. Well, guess what, we have to visit Grammy because I have to get my haircut and if I don’t get my brows waxed they are going to grow together and nobody else can watch them tomorrow besides Grammy. Now I’m stuck. We have decided that we have to be consistent if our kids are ever going to take us seriously and I just told them that we’re not going to Grammy’s. Now I have to make up something to get myself out of this, like, “If you clean up your room you can earn back your trip to Grammy’s.” This is pretty much BS and, even at 3 and 2, they probably pretty much know it. And I just keep making the same mistake. Why can’t I just learn to say, “If you do that one more time you can never watch Caillou again”?

*Doing inane tasks that make me late. I am one of those chronic late people, and I’m married to one, too. I realize that my being late is an inconvenience to people and I feel really bad about it. I also realize that my general stress level would be a lot lower if I weren’t panicking about how late I am all of the time. I am a very organized person, so it’s not like I’m late because I’m always looking for my keys or phone. What makes me late? Stupid things, like feeling the need to send one more email, wipe down the counter, taking laundry out of the dryer. All things that can easily be done later. The only things that I am never late for are pediatrician appointments and picking my daughter up from pre-school. Apparently, it is traumatic to a 3-year-old to be the last one (even if you’re not technically late). So, even though I can’t make the opening act of a show that I paid $50 to see, I leave 5 minutes early to beat Brianne’s mom in the carpool line.